And the angel Gabriel came down and said “Rejoice! For it is you who are blessed among women….blahblahblah, YOU’RE PREGNANT.”
And she to the angel, “fuuuuck what do i tell my dad”
and he replied “uuhhhh say like, fuckin, ahhh, god did it…. immaculate conception, there we go, you got this.”
Summary:
First, there is nothing. Well actually first just fyi this is not the same book about the dude who turns into a beetle, bit its kind of like that. So there’s nothing. Then there are a bunch of gods having sex with people and then turning them into animals or plants. It’s like the same gods from all the other stories, and they also have sex with each other. Then somehow someone is talking about like, all the guys from the other ones you know, and it’s kind of like whoa what the fuck are they doing here again, they totally died, but here its like them doing some other shit before they died i guess. more shit about rome.
Analysis:
i think its like so having sex with a god is a bad idea cause your life is different in a way that sucks forever after. this is a metaphoric cautionary thing against STDs.
Summary:
So Troy just had a train run on it by the Greeks who rolled up in a huge fucking horse like SURPRISE!! and this author likes troy better and takes their side. Priam and all of them get demolished, mad rape/pillaging goes on, and Aeneas who is the brother of the two dudes that caused all this, you know the pansy orlando bloom one is banging the one kings wife and his buff brother gets totally fucked in a really bad way, anyway yeah aeneas bounces with a bunch of guys and his kid cause his wife dies and her ghost is like, no its cool you should peace out. So they leave on a boat and go to a bunch of places on the boat where some shit happens thats like, wait isn’t this the odyssey, but then other shit happens where its like, no this is different. Like they crash at this one place with this like, badass cougar queen, Dido, like you say it the same way as that chick who did the song with eminem or whatever, anyway she had to leave and start over totally witness protection program style cause her brother killed her husband and people were pissed, so she’s here now and so is aeneas and she’s DTF also she wants his baby cause she’s getting up there, but mostly she just wants it, so the gods make him give it to her, but then they make him leave. shes way pissed and burns his clothes and gets naked and stabs herself on top of them, so intense. Shits crazy. Then they roll up on future rome and aeneas is all like eyyyyy with the kings daughter, and some shit goes down and he totally beasts on the competition, and then you know by the end that later aeneas is gonna knock up the kings daughter and then rome will happen.
Analysis:
Mad circle-of-lifey. like first he’s getting fucked, then he’s fucking other people over, but just like, doin him. i think this is about karma.
Summary:
Odysseus has been on his way home from the war like, forever, cause he keeps getting sidetracked with all this kooky shit, like this cave lady chick who doesn’t get old and makes him not get old so he’s still kind of hot when he gets home, and monsters and whatever. Meanwhile his house is like rock of love or something, all these rowdy dudes keep BBQin in his yard to try and get with his wife and they won’t leave so she’s just chillin in her room and her son is like FUCK THIS I’M LEAVING, but eventually comes back and so does his dad who is odysseus. they hang out and decide like, party. fucking. over. for these other dudes, and they go with this dude swineherd who is cool, and yeah they just fuck up everybody in their house and odysseus bangs his wife and its all cool.
Analysis:
this is like the basis for western manners, like, don’t eat all my shit, when you’re trying to fuck my girlfriend, cheating is okay if its really worth it, if you party for too long bad shit happens, being late is cool if you make a good entrance
Summary:
There’s a war going on, it has been for a way long time, cause this old king’s wife Helen was like fucking this hot young price from troy and she’s like yeeeeeeaaaah this is way better and leaves said king for said younger hottie. Anyway like everyone is pissed and hating on her and they go to war, so yeah that’s the background. Achillis is this jacked warrior who is pissed at one of his kings on the not troy side and is like yo whatever try and pull this shit off without me. But then all the dudes on his side are getting wrecked by troy and his best friend dresses up as him and is like HAAAAY FEAR ME and gets killed, and akillis is PIIIISSSED so he goes back to the war and kills the brother of the dude who stole helen, interestingly not the actual dude who killed helen but its cause the brother hector killed achilis’ boy patrockolos. Achillles starts being a real dick about it and drags hectors dead body around his friends dead body for like over a week. he’s on a horse so it’s not gross or anything, but like, fuck that’s overkill.
Analysis:
this is pretty dated. like one of the morals is all “sluts are bad” but its like dude its not her fault they seriously overreacted. also, it seems like achillis and patrokolos were def gay together cause like, he gets soooo mad its kind of weird, like i dont like any of my friends that much
Liberally truncated summaries and interpretations of literary classics that didn't quite make the cut for SparkNotes
